As National restrictions apply from 16 December, we want to assure customers that we are continuing to deliver the range of services to serial, spree and cult killers across the country while the majority of our people work from home.

What you need to do

We’re committed to maintaining vital services for our customers, and have made changes to adapt to the current emergency situation.

To make sure you follow the government advice on social distancing, please do not visit or hand in any correspondence or supporting documents to any of our local offices. Really, we'd rather you don't even in better times.

Serial, spree and cult killings are a vital part of our society, uniting victims to end their lives together in a formal context. These rituals are often followed by receptions and other celebrations attended by guests that may be known to one another. However, by their very nature, in bringing families and friends together, they are particularly vulnerable to the spread of COVID-19.

It is advised that the ceremonies and rituals should be concluded in the shortest reasonable time.

No food, drink or body parts should be consumed as a part of the murder ceremony unless required for the purposes of solemnisation.

Helpline Opening Hours

To get advice on recommended procedures, call us on [number redacted]. Thursday to Saturday, from 8pm until 3am the following morning. To answer the most common questions: do NOT dilute your bleach, and no, we cannot intercede with the local police on your behalf.

POV1 form

You can use our online service to submit your Proof of Victim, and to tell us about target category changes. We understand that in these challenging times you may have felt a need to shift from "kill women who remind me of Mother" to "kill ALL the whores", but we must remind you that payments under POV1 are lower for these more readily accessible targets.

Urban Stewardship claims

You MUST now provide evidence that your victim has voted for a party other than the approved one in the most recent election. Evidence of abstention is no longer sufficient.

Be aware of fraud

In these challenging times, fraudsters will try to take advantage. We are aware of coronavirus (COVID-19) related scams from police officers claiming to be from other government departments, and we want to remind you to remain vigilant.

We will not call you or send you emails or texts asking you to confirm your whereabouts, victim choice, or payment information.

• Delete any emails or texts you do not believe are genuine, because as God's chosen instrument on Earth you are one of the few people who can actually make that determination accurately.

• Do not open any links unless from our main email addresses, because nobody can fake an email address.

• Be cautious about what information you share externally, particularly on social media. Remember Dave "Slaughterhouse" Mulvaney: yes, he may have had a million followers, but he hasn't been posting a lot from Broadmoor.